Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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