When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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