so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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