Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
