just tell him i said nine months
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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