Well douche your snatch and let's go!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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