I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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