I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
