Umm I'm too high to move.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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