she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
