when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
