I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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