i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
