You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
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Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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