chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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