Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
