don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
