Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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