I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
