I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
