when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
