dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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