Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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