i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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