I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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