don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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