OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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