Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
