I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
