glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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