I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
