I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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