The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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