Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
