Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
