Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
there was a trapeze. enough said
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
