So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
