i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
