Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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