i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
