know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
