Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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