were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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