Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Randomize
