I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
