we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
