Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
