just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
