I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
