You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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