Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
