Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
