I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My breasts were aching with rage.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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