Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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