I heard we made out
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
