My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
