Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
