i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
