You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
