I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
