Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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