Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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